Im scare of you. terrified. im scared that you are going to break my heart and im not gonna know my left from my right. im scared that ill feel any more broken than i do right now.( is there more pain still ?)
the feeling of alone-ness i feel now is too strong - its like i have a knife plunged in my chest
i love you so much and you are barely talking to me and im just terrified that you dont want me anymore , that you cant handle me , that youll give up on me because we had this stupid argument.
i havent had a love like ours before and i dont want another. i dont want someone else. i want you. and i cant even picture me with someone that isnt you. and i know ive suffered by your side but its where i want to be. i need you. i need you like the blood in my veins.
I’m not sure how many of you have contemplated death, but not just as something that will one day come to stare you down and consume you wholly, but as something you can control. How many of you have contemplated taking death into your own hands? Holding on steadfast and not letting go ?
Once or twice as a child i would think , “No, no, live. Too many people will miss you. ” I would fantasize about who would go to my funeral. I would delight in knowing that it was over.
Today i spent hours deciding how i would do it .Hanging ? A gun? Pills ? A knife?
I thought that was the furthest it would go, except i envisioned each method. Here in my house, tonight.
I imagined taking a good chunk of my fabric, tying it all together, tying myself a noose, hanging myself from my ceiling fan.Stepping off from my computer chair, loosing air, turning purple. My mom finding me twirling around with the fan.
I imagined talking my dads gun and firing a hole through my skull. The blood splattering everywhere. I didnt choose a room for that yet.
I thought about swallowing a bunch of painkillers. I keep then in my night stand .It’d be pretty easy. take them all at night. when everyone’s gone to bed. One by one, rub my throat, make sure they all go down good. leave the bottle on the floor. Painkillers. they could do away with all of it . Itd be beautiful.
I doubt highly that i could stomach it, i could always just cut my wrists but that’s not really a route i can envision easily. maybe take a sharp sushi knife from downstairs, lay in my bed. cut my left wrist, give myself to god. Maybe its easier up there with God. - lots of red sputtering out of me until all there is , is white.
Ive never had a day like today where i cried thinking of the ways i could end of my life. A full day where i fantasized how nice it would be to just end it all. get rid of the pain once and for all.
"I cant do this anymore."
Maybe ill just die of heartache.